This One Is Troofy Special Share. Fair Warning: Long and Could be Upsetting.

I love the world we could live in giving safe harbour to those who wish to do right by understanding individual personhood yet retaining collective responsibility. Free from blame to an individual or a sinister undercurrent of perpetual stereotypes.

I was nine when I first encounter “sex”: sadly it was a rape porn, contained within a file which I downloaded believing it was a music video (I am being literal. I searched for lyrics, downloaded a file containing those lyrics).  As I grew up I encountered it a lot of places knocking about in ads and download meshes (I liked basic modding). It made me incredibly uncomfortable as a young kid, I got ill quite a lot. I never made myself physically sick but when I got the feeling I was going to be I couldn’t stop it.

You grow a tougher outlook growing up but some videos I saw were beyond upsetting. When I was at university I wanted to develop an understanding of what it was that drove the amassed disturbing and derogatory imagery to develop into art. At this time I became aware of domestic violence, maintaining pacifism yet had an anger at the same mechanics of abuse played out for sexual satisfaction. There’s a difference in being opposed to what you may believe and what I’m saying here: I’m talking about certain lines not only crossed but completely violated. It is the commodification of sexuality in an extreme so acutely viscous it left me depressed since childhood.

I believe that porn is also in part responsible for the abuse of very young girls, sometimes other boys, by young boys becoming teenagers. There was an incident when I was eight where a nine-year-old neighbourhood boy acted first inappropriately sexual, far from anything as normal as a kiss, and afterwards, abusive and violent towards myself. However, this pales in comparison to the stories such as a girl(s) of that age being raped and having that rape filmed, by her brother(s), or child sex trafficking, which reduces children to feed a system of bilious ‘pleasure’ from the most horrifying vulnerability.

Power over somebody else has many forms and much pornography has an insidious tendency to exploit knowledge of that kind of power with sexual reward. Control alongside the many cases debasing cruelty would give the spectator an elated mix, corrupting morality in favour of easing a way to chemically signalled pleasure.

No matter what violence is escaped it feels better to connect to another, while remembering how abusive structures are enforced, especially with the strong undercurrent of abuse that takes place in porn. I think back to my relationships with sex, half of them involve sexual assault. One of them was rape. I don’t dwell, look at the strong figures who speak out under worse situations and add my voice.

To move past the degradation takes a long time as coming to terms with how much you put around yourself as a barrier to keep away from it takes a lot of dismantling. Looking at what’s left and can be built for other people to feel comforted and safe is a better feeling.

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